


the feelings that arise

by wyoheartsmusic



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Asexuality, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Figuring shit out, Friendship, Gen, gay guru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 01:07:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16506308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyoheartsmusic/pseuds/wyoheartsmusic
Summary: In the kollektiv, Eskild was watching a movie with Linn when his phone buzzed. Curious at seeing Isak’s name on the display, he picked up.“I think I just gay guru-ed,” Isak blurted as soon as Eskild had uttered, “Hello?”Or: Vilde comes to Isak for advice.





	the feelings that arise

**Author's Note:**

  * For [naescar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/naescar/gifts).



> Surprise, Marie!!!! I’m your secret monster :D I had so much fun writing for you even though I was also very much despairing. This final fic is the fourth idea I had and I’m so happy it’s this idea that I got to finish.
> 
> I decided to focus on Vilde for this little thing, because I’ve wanted to do something like this for a while and I hope you will like it <3 
> 
> Also, an ENORMOUS thank you to [Autumn](http://skater110599.tumblr.com/) for helping me out with the asexual aspect of this and reading over it. I couldn’t have done it without you <3 love you lots bb <333
> 
> Marie, thank you for that awesome wishlist that inspired me to write this. I hope you enjoy this and I’m sending you all the love and hugs <333

_The feelings that arise don’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian._

Sometimes, Vilde woke up in the middle of the night and these words kept replaying over and over again. She had said them two years ago and yet, they were like a ghost haunting her. She hadn’t really known what she had been saying back then, and even now she wasn’t quite certain. The feelings- _which_ feelings? What had she been thinking. _Not a lesbian._ But…

But _what_?

Vilde tossed and turned until the sky outside got lighter and she tiptoed out of her bedroom to check on her mother. She was still asleep so Vilde got ready, knowing very well she’d be a mess all day because that’s what happened every time she woke up like this.

At eight, she went back to her mother’s room to gently wake her up, even if only for a few minutes so she could take her medicine. And then Vilde went back to pacing the flat.

_The feelings that arise don’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian._

_The feelings that arise don’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian._

_The feelings that arise don’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian._

_The feelings that arise don’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian._

Before she knew it, she was out the door and in a tram, blindly finding her way to-

“Vilde?”

Vilde blinked owlishly at Isak who stood in front of her in just his underwear. Apparently, her scattered brain had more of a plan than Vilde herself had. What did she want with Isak right now?

Isak rolled his eyes, about to shut the door in her face. “Vilde, I swear, if this is about kosegruppa! I told you I can’t be bothered with that just before exams! I’m in the middle of studying!”

“It’s not!” Vilde quickly said, then furrowed her brow, “You study in your underwear?”

“It helps me think,” Isak shrugged, “What do you want?” 

If only Vilde knew, she might not feel this anxious. “Can I come in?”

Isak looked like he was about to decline but that was when Even showed up, shooting her his trademark smile and pressing a kiss to Isak’s temple. “Vilde! So nice that you’re here! To what do we owe this pleasure?”

Slowly, an idea formed in Vilde’s head. “I just wanted to talk to Isak about something.”

Isak grimaced, but didn’t say anything to send her away. Vilde breathed a sigh of relief.

“I wish I could stay to chat,” Even chirped, “But I gotta head to work. Isak, don’t forget to offer our guest something to drink. If Vilde wants tea, use the kettle your mum got us!”

“Fuck off,” Isak grumbled but Even kissed the grumpy expression right off of his face.

Even hugged Vilde goodbye and then he was gone and Isak reluctantly let Vilde into the tiny flat. She followed after him and sat down in the chair he offered her. 

“Do you want something to drink?” Isak asked pointedly.

Vilde nodded, “Just water will be fine. Thank you.” While he fetched the drink for her, Vilde nervously played with her fingers, her legs bouncing. When Isak announced his return with clearing his throat, Vilde blurted out, “You’re gay, right? With Even?”

Something in Isak’s expression cleared and turned a little softer but his voice remained snarky when he replied, “I thought that was quite obvious. With how Even has been my boyfriend for over a year and how we’ve been living together for quite some time now. Yes, I’m gay, Vilde.”

“Okay,” Vilde whispered quietly, trying to sort out her thoughts.

Isak sighed and sat down across from her. He pushed the water glass toward her and said, “Just for the record: I’m gay, period. I’m not gay _with_ Even. Yes, he’s my boyfriend but I’m gay with or without him. Which doesn’t mean that’s the only way to be. Even, for example, is pansexual. You knew that, right? He loves people regardless of their gender.”

Vilde heard the warning in his words not to judge people’s sexuality just by looking at who they were dating but she also heard the care in his voice, trying to find the right way to explain this. Vilde sagged a little in relief. “Yes, of course. How- how did you-“ She cut herself off, casting her gaze down to her hands in her lap.

“How did I know? That I was gay?”

She nodded quickly, not meeting Isak’s eyes, even though she felt their intensity on her.

Isak took a deep breath and with the air rushing out he started, “As cliche as it sounds, I think I always knew. But I tried to ignore it and suppress it for a long time. I grew up religious and my mum, she- well, I thought it was wrong. I tried to date girls and seem as straight as possible in front of my friends and especially Jonas, because I didn’t want to lose them.”

“But they accepted you. Your mum too?” Vilde mumbled, more to herself than Isak.

“Yeah,” The smile in his voice was audible and when Vilde finally looked up, she saw it on his face too, “Our friends are pretty amazing, you know that, right, Vilde? And my mum… well, parents tend to surprise us.”

It was clear that Isak was drawing his conclusions on why Vilde was asking all these questions and Vilde was too tired to fight against it. Let him make up his mind why she was there. “So you didn’t like kissing girls at all?”

Isak nodded, his expression turning sad. “I just always knew I was putting on a mask when I was with girls. I was repulsed by myself and the situation I willingly put myself in. But I kept thinking that this was just how it was supposed to be, that I couldn’t change anything. Then, of course, I met Even. He made me feel safe, still does.”

For a long time, neither of them said anything. Vilde thought back on her relationship with Magnus. She had always loved him, there was no doubt in her mind. He was caring and just the right amount of quirky. He always knew how to make her laugh and when he had kissed her, she had felt butterflies in her stomach. The only reason they had ended their relationship was because they were going to different universities after the summer and they both had agreed that they didn’t think they could manage a long distance relationship. But Magnus had always made her feel safe.

“I never hated kissing Magnus,” Vilde blurted out.

“Okay?” Isak said slowly.

Vilde wrapped her fingers around her glass of water, tapping the tips of her fingers against it. “It took me until Magnus to realise that what I felt for William was merely something I thought I _had_ to feel, does that make sense? I never really loved William and I was disgusted with myself after I slept with him but Magnus never made me feel that way. I thought something was wrong with me but Magnus made me believe it’s not. I really do love him.”

The look on Isak’s face was one of utter confusion. “So… what exactly do you want from me? Like, I’m not sure I can get the two of you back together?”

Vilde’s eyes widened and then she laughed, shaking her head. “No, that’s not what I’m asking. I actually- I met someone.” Her laugh turned into a fond smile. After ending things with Magnus, she had been unsure if it had been the right decision. Why end something that was perfectly fine? 

But quickly, she’d been sucked into preparations to start university and she had hardly had time to miss Magnus. When orientation came around, it became pretty clear that Vilde would always love Magnus but her feelings had changed from romantic to simply platonic.

A huge part in that realisation had played Heidi. She was a girl in her third year at UiO, helping the newbies to find their way around and Vilde simply could not stop thinking about her ever since she first saw her.

With Eva, it had always been different. There had been butterflies, yes, and Vilde had loved kissing her. But it had been drunk making out and as fun as it had been, it didn’t compare to the way Vilde’s heart raced when just thinking about the possibility of kissing Heidi. Or the way her breath had caught in her throat when Heidi had approached her with the sunniest of smiles, taking time out of her undoubtedly busy schedule to ask Vilde if she could help her with anything. And then, when Vilde had shyly asked about different clubs the university offered, she had easily named and explained the different options, suggesting that Vilde should come to the LGBT+ clubs first meeting which she was president of.

Vilde still tried to figure out what the racing of her heart meant whenever she remembered that there was an actual chance that she could kiss Heidi and it wouldn’t just be a drunk joke.

“You’re asking for flirting advice?” Isak guessed, grinning.

Vilde shrugged. “No- maybe. I don’t know? It’s just… is it different when it’s- she’s a she.”

Somehow through all the stuttering, Isak still understood what Vilde was saying and Vilde knew she went to the right person about this when he didn’t make a big deal out of it. “I don’t know if it’s that much different,” Isak admitted. “With girls, I’ve always been confident because I just didn’t care. But with Even, I was an absolute mess. So all I can really say is that, no matter which gender your crush is, if you really like them, you’ll probably fuck up.”

Vilde’s eyes widened. “I don’t wanna fuck up!” She exclaimed, “I want her to like me back!”

Isak smirked, “That’s the secret. If they like you, they won’t care about you being terrible at flirting. If anything, they might be just as bad at it.”

Vilde relaxed a little at those words. “Was Even? Bad at flirting, I mean?”

Isak laughed. “To this day, he’s convinced that emptying a towel dispenser is a sure way to get your crush to like you.”

“Wait, what?”

Isak elaborated, “The first time we met, at the kosegruppe meeting actually, it was in the bathroom and he took all the paper towels, looking like an idiot. Very handsome, very cool but very much an idiot still. Of course he’s not so wrong, he got me in the end so…”

Vilde giggled, “I could never pull that off.”

Isak caught her eyes and told her with a sincerity she didn’t expect from him, “She’d be stupid not to like you, no matter how you’re gonna flirt. Don’t worry, Vilde.”

“Thank you, Isak,” Vilde whispered.

They sat in silence for a bit before Isak awkwardly cleared his throat. “I- uh, I should probably get back to studying.”

Vilde gnawed on her lip, considering her options. She knew she had long overstayed her welcome but for the first time in forever, she felt herself being understood. “Can I… join you?”

Isak seemed surprised but still agreed, “Okay, yeah. I was planning to study some Norwegian. Let me just- I’ll just put on some clothes.” He looked down on himself as if realising for the first time in about thirty minutes that he was still half dressed.

She waved her hand dismissively. “I don’t mind. Makes you think better, right?” She joked lightly.

However, Isak blushed and stood up to quickly grab a t-shirt. Then he spread his notes between them on the table and got to studying. But Vilde could barely focus, wiggling around on her chair while trying to decipher Isak’s scrawly handwriting.

“Vilde,” Isak said with a slight edge to his voice when that had been going on for a while.

“I’m sorry,” Vilde muttered. Once again, she tried to keep everything except Norwegian out of her mind. But she was still failing. “Do you like sex?” She eventually blurted.

Everything got kind of out of control after that. Isak knocked over Vilde’s glass of water, just so rescuing his notes before more than the corner was soaked in water. “With… _you_?” Isak screeched and Vilde wasn’t quite sure if he was more horrified at almost having lost his notes or the fact that he thought Vilde wanted to sleep with him.

Vilde scrunched up her face. “No!” She exclaimed, “No! Isak! _Ew_!”

“Okay,” Isak breathed a sigh of relief, tapping his pencil against the tabletop. For a couple more seconds, he looked between Vilde and his notes before heaving another sigh and going back to studying.

Vilde waited another minute before she asked again, “So do you?”

Isak pinched the bridge of his nose and gritted his teeth. With his eyes closed, he said, “How about we _don’t_ discuss my sex life?”

“So you do have one?”

“Vilde!” Isak jumped out of his seat, pacing the small room. When Vilde stayed quiet, he turned back to her. He must have seen something in her face that made him press out, “Have you seen Even? Of _course_ I have a sex life.”

“Did you know Magnus and I never had sex?” Vilde mumbled, forcing herself to look straight at Isak despite her fear of what Isak might say to that.

Isak coughed and shook his head. “I would have been happy to never know about that.”

Unperturbed by Isak’s obvious discomfort, Vilde went on, “We tried once. But… I couldn’t.”

Isak froze and then sat back down, scooting a little closer to Vilde with his chair. “What do you mean?” He asked, uncharacteristically gently.

Vilde shook her head, thinking back to that night with Magnus, and then, because it always happened, to when she had made herself sleep with William because she thought she had to. Because she just wanted to be loved. "I don’t think I like sex very much… or at all,” She whispered. It was the first time that she said that out loud, even talking to Magnus she hadn’t said it that explicitly. Her heart was racing; it felt like a rush to finally get it out there and she almost smiled.

Isak’s silence made her worry in an instant again, though. She looked at him with wide eyes, waiting for his reply. “Never?” Isak wondered.

Vilde hesitated. She considered lying but that wasn’t why she was here. She felt like she was finally on the right track to figuring this out. And she was tired of hiding. She shook her head.

“Have you considered that you might be asexual?”

_Asexual._ Vilde repeated the word in her head. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t considered it before. Sleepless late nights had made her google any possible sexuality she could be, before dismissing it because _everyone liked sex_ , right? But to her, it didn’t matter at all in a relationship. She’d been the happiest she could ever imagine just knowing Magnus supported and listened to her unconditionally.

_The feelings that arise don’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian._

“Yeah,” Vilde croaked, meeting Isak’s gaze. He seemed a little unsure but wholly supportive. Vilde was momentarily overwhelmed with a fondness for him she didn’t realise she could feel. She was so grateful that he was just listening to her. Louder, she repeated, “Yeah, I’ve considered it.”

“And?” Isak prompted with a small smile.

“I’m asexual,” She confirmed and Isak’s smile widened. Vilde felt herself smiling too and then laughter bubbled out of her throat. Hastily, she jumped out of her chair and threw her arms around Isak, smacking a kiss against his cheek that he whined about but he didn’t actually try to push her off.

 

A couple weeks later, Vilde slowly approached the room the LGBT+ club’s meeting was supposed to be at. Her stomach was in knots, equal parts fear and excitement. 

The meeting wasn’t supposed to start for another forty minutes but Vilde was on a mission so when she carefully pushed the door open, she breathed a sigh of relief when she realised that no one else except Heidi was already there.

“Hi,” Vilde squeaked, cursing herself because Heidi could probably tell how fidgety she was.

The sound made Heidi turn around and immediately, a big smile found its way on her face. “Vilde! Hello!” Vilde couldn’t quite believe that she still remembered her name. “I was hoping you’d join us! The meeting won’t start for a while though.”

Reminding herself to breathe, Vilde somehow got out, “Yeah, no, I know.” She fumbled with the hem of her shirt before offering, “I could help you set up?”

Heidi didn’t seem to notice Vilde’s nervousness at all or if she did, she didn’t call her out on it. Instead she just said, “Sure! We have snacks. So just put them in bowls maybe? Wait, where did I put them?” She scurried around until she made a noise of triumph and walked over to Vilde with a couple bowls in her hands.

Vilde took them from her and started filling them, her head rushing with thoughts on how to best say this. 

“I’m really excited for this meeting. The first one of the semester is always the most fun. I love seeing all these new faces,” Heidi bridged the silence between them easily. “And I’m really very happy that you could make it!” 

Vilde felt warmth bloom in her chest and stomach because of how genuine Heidi sounded and how she was proclaiming her excitement for a second time. It gave Vilde the push to get out what she wanted to. “I’m a biromantic asexual.”

Heidi looked up at her in surprise at the suddenness of her words and then walked over to her with a smile once again on her lips. “That’s great!”

“You’re only the third person I told,” Vilde admitted quietly. The first one being Isak and then of course Magnus. 

Vilde didn’t even know what was happening before Heidi had her wrapped in a tight embrace, Vilde’s nose pressed against Heidi’s collarbone and her flowery perfume making Vilde dizzy. “I’m very proud of you,” Heidi mumbled against her ear.

Irrationally, Vilde felt like crying. It was such a relief to finally have it out there. _Biromantic and asexual_. It felt as if Vilde had finally found the last missing piece to a puzzle that she hadn’t been able to figure out before.

_Biromantic and asexual._

_Biromantic and asexual._

_Biromantic and asexual._

_Biromantic and asexual._

Vilde wanted to scream it out to the world.

When they pulled apart, Heidi smiled down at her, for the first time, there was something akin to insecurity in her eyes. “How’d you feel about going out with a good old lesbian some time?”

Vilde stared at her in wide-eyed disbelief. “You?” She stammered, unable to say more than that. Unable to believe that she could be this lucky.

“Yes, me,” Heidi confirmed, squeezing Vilde’s wrists where she was still holding her.

Vilde’s smile was so big it almost hurt. She slid her hands into Heidi’s and whispered, “I’d love that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought <3


End file.
